Solving Conflicts
by Tom Jones
Letters to New Disciples, DPI, 1998

Dear brothers and sisters,

Conflict is something we are all used to in culture and in family, but somehow, when young Christians experience it in the church, it often knocks them for a loop. I am writing this to prepare you for times of conflict and to help you see that such times can become opportunities for God to work.

When we become Christians, we do so after learning that the church is a very different place from the world. We come into the kingdom rightfully expecting that people are going to have different attitudes, treat each other better and in general, have a deeper quality of relationships. Whenever people are following the scriptural teachings about relationships, all these expectations are realized.

However, this does not mean that there will be no problems, and we have to get used to that truth. I am sure that there were some problems to be dealt with on board Noah's ark. But it was still much better to be on the inside than on the outside! It is the same with the church. I'll take the problems on the inside any day. I have been out in the world. I don't want to be there again.

The big difference between the church and the world is not that we don't have conflicts (Acts 15:39, Philippians 4:2-3). The big difference is that we have godly principles for resolving those conflicts and going on to better things. It is these principles that you must learn.

Sometimes conflicts are the result of a difference in opinion, or at least that is where they start. In such cases, what is needed is continued communication (which involves more listening than talking - see James 1:19), humility and patience' (see Ephesians 4:2). Many conflicts are resolved when people get more information and understand better where another person is coming from. The greatest danger here is jumping to conclusions, assigning motives to other people and making judgments about them before you have all the facts.

While differing opinions often start conflicts, most conflicts eventually involve some sin that must be dealt with in a biblical way. This is where we have such an advantage over the world. We call sin by its right name, and we deal with it in a godly way. This healthy, biblical approach to dealing with sin enables us to resolve conflicts that in the typical family, workplace or neighbourhood may go on for years.

If you believe that someone has sinned against you, and you can be sure that in our imperfect churches someone will, the Bible spells out the course of action that you are to take. You may be a little fearful about this, but please realize that the unity of the church is always at stake in such situations and that is a very big thing indeed. (Just read Ephesians 4:1-6 to see the importance of unity.) Also realize that God is totally behind every effort you make to resolve matters and be unified. Here is what Jesus told us to do:

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector" (Matthew 18:15-1 7).

If you believe someone has sinned against you-treated you in an unrighteous way or misrepresented you in some way then Jesus is very clearly telling you to go to them and explain your feelings. It should go without saying that you should go in love and with humility and gentleness yourself. I have known situations where someone huffed in to confront someone with sin, only to find out in the course of the conversation that they did not have all the facts and that the person had not sinned against them. If you explain what you feel and get the other person's point of view, you will be in a better position to bring them whatever truth they need to hear. If they confess and ask for your forgiveness, the matter is resolved, and it never needs to go further. In such a case, you need to completely forgive them and not bring that problem up again. Jesus says that you have won the other person over. In other words, you are back together, united for the same cause.

One extra word of encouragement is in order. I know the way many new Christians think. They realize that they are the babies in the family. They know that others have been around a lot longer than they have. They may think someone has sinned against them, but they doubt whether anyone will believe them or they doubt whether they are right in the matter. Probably the toughest situation is one that involves a leader whom they feel has wronged them (and we will deal with that more in the next letter). Often intimidated by some of these thoughts, they try pushing the issue under the rug or, as we often say, they try "stuffing it." They just hold it in and hope it will get better. Please learn this rule: Anything stuffed eventually comes out. And if it comes out after being stuffed for a long time, it will be smellier and uglier than ever. Even if you have doubts about how correct you are, it is much better to go ahead and talk with the person. When new disciples give in to their fears and stuff the feelings they have, it is not unusual to hear one day that they are no longer around. There was never an ugly eruption. They just left, unable to deal any longer with unresolved feelings or conflict in relationships.

One final comment before we look at the other side of the coin: If you do go to someone and they do not give you a fair hearing, or if they dismiss the matter and put it all back on you, this is where Jesus' second directive comes in. He says your next step is to ask two or three others to sit down with you and the person who has wronged you. You don't want to choose people who you just think will agree with you, but you want to ask wise, spiritually minded, objective people to help you and the other person sort out the issues.

If, the first time you try any of this, the person who has hurt you gives you a stinging response, you may be tempted to think, That's it. I tried. I'm not taking this any further. This hurts too much. That is when it is important to remember that Jesus is Lord, and you are not in this to feel comfortable and do what is easy. We are all in this to please him and keep unity in the kingdom. Obviously, if you get an unkind response from the other disciple, there is sin in the body that needs to be dealt with, and God is going to use you to help deal with it. Be faithful. Be of good courage. And don't give up.

The other side of the coin is that a conflict may exist because you have sinned against another person. We all have moments when we look back over something that happened, and we see in retrospect that we did not handle the situation in the right away. We realize that we blew it. But some of us don't do that much reflecting, and we march on, unaware of the people who have been left in our wake. In such cases, the word sometimes drifts back to us that this brother or this sister felt injured by something we did, or perhaps the person we injured comes back and tells us. In whatever way the realization comes, Jesus tells us what we should do:

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar, First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift" (Matthew 5:23-24).

Speaking to a Jewish audience still under the old covenant, Jesus pictured a situation where a Jew was coming to worship in the temple and there remembered that another person felt that he (the worshiper) was in the wrong in their relationship. It is most interesting that Jesus does not say, "You should resolve that situation and get it right with him as soon as you finish your worship." No, he gives instruction to put down the gift to be offered, to go outside the temple and back into the city, to find the person and get it resolved. Jesus counsels such an inconvenient course of action, no doubt, to make the point that getting things worked out with your brother is crucial to keeping things worked out with your God.

While most conflicts in the kingdom are resolved quickly, there will be exceptions. When you hit those exceptions something does not get immediately worked out, keep your heart soft, do not stop praying, and do not stop working on the relationship. It is the only way for us to keep the kingdom united. In the family of God we will have conflicts, but with the help of God they can always be resolved.